i drove a car

Vehicle: Ford Expidition

Trim: Platinum

Miles: 12000

MSRP: $80,000

Color: White

Oh my fucking god. Welcome to hell. I drove this swollen minivan for ≈80 miles, so I go to know all its “quirks” (that’s industry slang for “stupid shit that somehow made it through design, manufacture and QA).

I guess we should start from square one: this is an $80k Ford van. As we all know, Fords have worse build quality than knock-off Chinese legos. If you doubt me: get into any Ford, any model, any trim, and actuate the turn signal stalk. It will haunt you. And maybe you’d think that this very expensive maxi-van would have better build quality, but you’d be a dumb, wrong, idiot.

UI

Despite being an expensive peice of shit, this … this is the real crime. You’re looking at a steering “wheel” that is not circular, and that has touchpad controls on the fucking wheel. That’s right: not buttons, but early-2000s laptop technology. If you attempt some kind of random, unintuitive input on the touchscreen not-wheel, you’ll have to look across about 12 meters of dashboard to see the what the fuck you did. This is a parody of a UI and a parody of a vehicle.

The Beans

Honestly, who the fuck cares? It weighs about 2k kg or 4.5k lb and it has a big, stupid engine to shove it down the highway entry ramp. It has suspension elements, but also: who the fuck cares. I don’t know who or what this car is for, but it was clearly not imagined, designed, or built for human beings on Earth.

I hope the specific vehicle I drove flies off the St John’s bridge and into the embrace of the Willamette river. Amen.